Reasons Why I Hate The Tube

The Tube, I have decided, is the bane of my existence. London is heralded as having one of the greatest public transportation systems in the world...but I don't find it very great, unless you happen to be a fan of sardines...or rather, being a sardine yourself.

Sure, sure, The Tube is convenient when it's working. As it's underground, traffic isn't an issue. And you don't have to pay much attention, apart from what stop you're at. It's less stressful than driving and more direct than taking a bus. So basically, The Tube is a great way to get around when A) it's working, and B) it's not rush hour.

The problem is, however, many, many, many, many people take The Tube places, and this makes The Tube downright miserable at times.

Rush hour is bad enough; everybody is literally rushing. If you aren't moving fast enough, they give you a huffy "excuse me" while they push past you (and get a whopping one foot in front of you!). Sometimes, you don't even get the "excuse me", it's just an exasperated look. Nevermind the fact that you happen to be moving at the flow yourself and can't go any faster, given the sea of people in front of you. It's the same as road rage on a freeway, only instead of having cars, people are left to their own devices - which unfortunately, occasionally include pushing others off the subway platform (this happened last week when a woman told a man who was smoking that she didn't appreciate getting his cancer. He shoved her off the platform).

But worse even than rush hour are sporting events. Sporting events, particularly football, is a pain to deal with. Unfortunately, these happen to occur at the same time as rush hour. So suddenly, you find TWICE as many people down in the Underground trying to cram on to the same exact trains.

You can tell when a sporting event is happening not by the increased number of people, but rather by what people are wearing. Everyone shows up in the same colors. Many people have scarves. Some even have full-blown capes on. Apparently face-painting and bare chests is an American football thing, but people are still full of team pride when it comes to European football.

Oh, and the most obvious indicator that there's a football game? Anytime fans of one team see other fans of their team, there appears to be an unwritten code that everyone must start whooping and hollering and running through the extremely crowded Underground. This is met by a few smiles from fellow team supporters, but everyone else, who is a regular rush hour commuter and is therefore tired, cranky, and has the one and only goal of going home, glares at these people as they continue pushing their way towards the train platform.

This is bad enough, but as I discovered yesterday, Brazilians in London for football games are even worse. Somehow, they reach decibels that should not be physically possible, and chatter away a mile a minute in Spanish. And they run around chanting. In case the bright green and yellow attire they are covered in didn't make it obvious enough that they are here for the football game.

But here is why I really hate The Tube: because despite the fact that everyone is trying to get to the same place in a hurry, everyone moves RIDICULOUSLY SLOW. Everyone pushes and shoves to move through the crowd, and yet the crowd shuffles along at a glacial pace between platforms and trying to exit the station. I have yet to figure out why this is. The only thing I can think of is that maybe really old people somehow get in front of the crowd, and everyone else has to wait as they ascend and descend the stairs one foot at a time.

With everyone moving in one mass slug formation, that means many, many people are waiting at the platform when the train actually arrives. This creates even more pleasurable problems. For example, the train arrives and everyone flocks to the doors waiting for them to open. Once the doors open, the sea of people on the platform are met by a wall of people on the train itself. This creates a fascinating game, in which the objective is to let the people off the train (so there is room for you to in turn get ON), without letting any of the other people push in front of you and take your place on the train.

Sometimes, the best solution is to hang back and let that train go by. The next train comes a minute later, and sometimes it's emptier and easier to get on to. This solution usually works for me, but today, this was not the case.

Today, getting on the train was a major feat. At two different stations I wound up missing the first train, as the train literally COULD NOT fit another person in it. I had no option but to wait for the next train, and repeat the fight to get on. I eventually got sick and tired of The Tube, and so I switched to bus instead.

Turns out, barely anyone takes the bus. The bus is, I have decided, a beautiful thing. Buses don't have signal problems. Buses can take alternate routes if something goes wrong on the usual route. Buses don't get so full you are packed in like sardines and wondering who smells so bad, and hoping it won't rub off on you. Buses are beautiful.

In short, the conclusion I reached today, is that I miss driving. I never thought I would...but I do.